Wagawolfe+Candies

= = = = = Coming to You from Prague, = =Czech Republic = = = = sd =

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 * Welcome, candy lovers. Before you take a look at this page, please do a little reading about us. Then, of course, there are those of you who just want to get to the candy, without enriching your minds as to the glorious background of our company. If you are like that listed above, feel free to skip to the section describing our delicious candies. But be warned. He who skips paragraphs shall be cursed...**

** Some History ** Back in 1950 when your grandparents were still young and beautiful, a man named Dr. Viktor WagaWolfe (the name originated from Viktor's parents who were being chased by Mahdists and then escaped to America only to find themselves in the witness protection program. Their names were originally Waga and Wolfe but the Americans figured the Mahdists would never put two and two together) was at the pinnacle of his career when his private medical practice in Prague, Czech Republic was awarded with the Exterminator Award, the award resembling that of beauty. It stated that WagaWolfe Medical Center was the DESTROYER OF GERMS, the MOST EFFECTIVE PRIVATE PRACTICE IN THE AREA, and the MOST USED practice around.

WagaWolfe was well-loved. It was his passion for his patients that gave him his fame. But aside from being known in just the medical field, WagaWolfe toyed with something else: candy making. (I know what you devoted candy lovers are thinking...what about your company's candy? Just hold your horses...I'll get there).

He began selling his creations in the medical facility, and they almost topped income in 1952! The thing was that he was GOOD at making candy! His candy became such a hit that soon people came to WagaWolfe's medical practice just for the candy! (In the beginning, people thought they needed to do crazy things to get into the hospital, like jump down manholes and such, unaware that WagaWolfe was selling the candy over the counter). ** ...and a Little Bit More History ** In the year 1950, Dr. Viktor WagaWolfe’s private medical practice hit its peak in the city of Prague, Czech Republic. WagaWolfe was well-loved by his patients. But aside from working in the medical field, WagaWolfe was busy with something else: he was experimenting with //making candy// in his small, dim kitchen. A doctor making candy on the side? That’s right! Soon he began selling his tasty creations in his office. They became such a hit that even non-patients began visiting the office for WagaWolfe’s candy.  The secretaries got tired of so many people coming solely for WagaWolfe’s fudges, chocolates, and his signature, Un-Naturals. They argued that the office was a //doctor’s// office and not a candy shop. So WagaWolfe, never having been much of a quarreler, surprised everyone and quit his private practice to do what? //Make candy!// WagaWolfe faced much negative criticism for his decision. Critics were sure his new business would fail, and WagaWolfe would be left with nothing. But customers kept coming, their orders kept piling, and WagaWolfe triumphed. To prove it, in 1955, WagaWolfe named Un-Naturals to be his flagship candy, and he introduced a “striped rod” of peanut butter and chocolate, which he called a Strod. A year later, his popularity as a candy maker still growing exponentially, he invented Spocks and Munch Crunch. For seven years, WagaWolfe filled his tiny kitchen to the brim with candy and its ingredients. He worked the tight space until both he and the kitchen were worn out. Finally in 1963, WagaWolfe moved into a factory. The fun had just begun. In 1970, WagaWolfe Candies went officially global when sales went off the charts due to popular demand of our delicious candies. Three more factories were now mobile in Pskov, Russia, Oahu, Hawaii, and Abbingdon of the U.K. By 1973, WagaWolfe released Staples and Bygones (“You let bygones be bygones, but not once you’ve tried this candy!”), making WagaWolfe Candies begin their top-ranking competition against other top candy companies. WagaWolfe was rapidly becoming a household name. In 1980, there were ten foreign candies invented.   In the second millennium (a.k.a. 2000), WagaWolfe Candies celebrated its fifty-year milestone with a party at the Chinese Theater and special guest appearances made by Angelina Jolie, Jon Voight, Iain Glen, Noah Taylor, and Daniel Craig. Partygoers report that Anglelina Jolie was “really into WagaWolfe” and “requested his phone number. He wrote it on the candy wrapper of a Bygone.” In the following year, WagaWolfe Candies went up into the third ranking of top candy sellers. In 2008, WagaWolfe Candies made number one with fifteen different candies at its disposal, all loved equally by their adoring fans.

** Q&A **
 **Isn’t Fly-On-The-Wall a Hannah Montana song?**

Yes, indeed it is. That was unintentional.

Actually, one of Wagawolfe’s current owners loves Hannah Montana almost as much as Lara Croft in Tomb Raider.

Strangely enough, Hannah Montana’s aunt, Lucy Montana, had a house right next to Dr. Wagawolfe’s private medical practice in Czech Republic. She flirted shamelessly with him until he moved to his large factory in 1963. It is rumored that once, while Dr. Wagawolfe was giving her a physical, she leaped off the examining table and on top of him, forcing him into a wall and trapping him until he managed to slide over to the door to escape. They fell into the hall, where they surprised the secretary, who was coming out of the bathroom the next door over. Of course, Dr. Wagawolfe’s secretary was known as a gossip throughout the city, so none of this has been confirmed.


 * What inspired the Big Cheese?**

It is a well-known fact that Dr. WagaWolfe loved cheese. At his house and at his office, Dr. WagaWolfe always kept a slab hidden. His classic favorites were extra-sharp cheddar and Swiss with the big holes, but he adored feta, Muenster, and bleu as well for an exotic flavor. He often purchased blocks of fruit cheese for the holiday season, and his patients made it their goal to present them with a new type of cheese each year. In return, he gave them all baskets of candy. In 1980, Dr. WagaWolfe decided to combine his two favorite foods. He’d just had a standoff with the manager at the grocery store over why one can never purchase cheese in the classic wedge format. Why was it that cheese was always advertised that way but never sold like it? It was all so discouraging. WagaWolfe was determined to do something about it.

When WagaWolfe got home, he got to work. Recently he’d been playing around with a rich chocolate truffle recipe that he wasn’t sure how to use. He whipped up a batch and shaped pieces into what he thought cheese should be shaped like. He knew that the best cheeses were fluffy and decadent like the truffle. Then he placed a single almond on top of each piece and submerged them all in creamy white chocolate. As they cooled, WagaWolfe waited.

When WagaWolfe ate the first ever Big Cheese, it melted in his mouth and burst with flavor. He knew he had created the experience of his favorite cheese for his candy customers. Today, you can enjoy WagaWolfe’s special candy reincarnation of the perfect cheese in your own home. Whether you like cheese or not, WagaWolfe’s Big Cheese is sure to become a favorite.


 * Where can I find your candy in the U.S.?**

One way is always to go to our website and order online. But if you are not patient enough to wait for it to come through the mail (such as a giddy boy waiting for his Tomb Raider Trilogy), attend a Tupperware party. Often these Tupperware people sell our candies. Third, try contacting a Mary-Kay or Avon consultant, since they often have buy-makeup-get-candy-free deals. Good luck, and don’t give up, for your taste buds’ sake!


 * What exactly is an Un-Natural?**

Well, Question-Asker1204567, that is a most excellent question. It all started back in 1950 when I was still young and beautiful. My dear grandmother slaved over making the perfect holiday meals, Thanksgiving being her most important. And every year she would make heart-stopping candies called Mother's Naturals. Oh, weren't they delicious. But this year, Grandpa Billy went overboard on his breakfast foods. He ate all of the main ingredient to the Mother's Naturals: oranges. Grandma sent me out to the store to get her oranges, but I, being young and foolish, did not pay attention. I was somewhere else, zoning off in my mind. I came back instead with a dozen apples and, what do you know, Grandma didn't have her spectacles on. She graciously took the apples and made the Mother's Naturals. Ever since, I have used apples as a twist on Mother's Naturals to make Un-Naturals.


 * Why in Prague?**

You insolent fools! Why! WHY! What a very unintelligent question. May the gods turn away from you. If you're looking for an explanation, here it is in two syllables! LARA CROFT. I thought you people read, did your research! Lara Croft went to Prague. The Strahov to be specific is where she fought Dr. Eckhardt, the Cabal, and Boaz, and saved the world. You should catch the gist by now. Lara Croft is a worldwide sensation! So there, you "pips," that is why we are located in Prague. It is all about our love, passion, and devotion for the acts of Lara Croft. A moment of silence please...


 * On a scale of 1-10...how would you rate your company when compared to the Tooth Fairy Candies?**

You must also be an insolent fool. We bought Tooth Fairy Candies twenty years ago. You people have put putting money into our Swedish Bank Account and you didn't even notice. Moohahahaha!

**Candy Products **
Un-Naturals: Sliced apples, center cut out (half-moon shape) laid with peanuts in the hole, then covered in peanut butter and finally chocolate.

Staples: A circular bar of chocolate filled with chunky peanut butter and marshmallow center.

Tooth-Faeries: Whole apples covered in an equal swirl of chocolate and caramel.

Munch-Crunch: Chex mix (pretzels, chex, etc...) covered in chocolate and then cooled.

Spocks: Plastic spoons laden with cooled chocolate over a fluffernutter center and tied with a red ribbon.

Strod: A striped rod of chocolate and peanut butter over vanilla sticks.

The Ar-Defect: A peanut-shaped chocolate blob with a topping of caramel.

Fly-on-the-wall: A caramel & nougat ball covered in chocolate.

The Big Cheese: A chocolate truffle center with a single almond on top, all covered in white chocolate.

The Bygones: a delightful three-layer mix of mint, peanut butter, and toffee filling, covered with dark chocolate.

Our Very First Letters, Bless the Little People... 234 Prambler Road Prague, Czech Republic 48674

May 30, 1965

Eugene Krabs, Owner The Krusty Krab 574 Seaweed Court Atlacific, ZX 89256


 * Dear Mr. Krabs:**


 * I have found that business is booming for both of our companies, you selling your delicious Krabby Patty, and us at WagaWolfe Candies with our candy products. I believe that we should form a company alliance. It would bring in more profit and increase the popularity levels of both companies. I see that you have had your very own past experience with the candy business and think it would be great if our Un-Naturals were the next product on your menu.**


 * You should sell our candy because, we’d do it cheap. Our products aren’t costly and I’ve come to see that they are satisfactory to the average consumer. (We don’t what to let people know about the despicable secret ingredient that goes into the Krabby Patty).**


 * Another reason that our companies should join is because our company goes off the charts when compared to your business. We could cut a deal. If you sell our products, you take an eighteen-percent share of our company. You collect that much money and that would about even the chart. Are we on the right track yet?**


 * Popularity is a big thing up here on the surface. There are maybe a few trillion of us, but you in Bikini Bottom greatly exceed the number of us. If you sold our products in the Krusty Krab, think about all of those other businesses! They’d be put in the dumps! This alliance would prove useful in the overall popularity status outcome.**


 * So my old friend, I hope that you come to agree with me. Below is a list of our company numbers in the case you would accept WagaWolfe Candies’ offer.**

Sincerely,
 * //Dr. Viktor WagaWolfe//**


 * Prague: 1-800-LAR-ACROF-T**
 * Oahu: 111-111-111-ALL-OTHER-CANDY-COMPANIES-STINK**
 * Pskov: 717-225-4745-6489-0091-314159-2786-2**

234 Prambler Road Prague, Czech Republic 48674

September 3, 1967

David Ritter Co-Owner Picadilly Products Corp. 456 Piccadilly Circus London, England 11287

Dear Mr. Ritter:

It seems that the candy companies of today are in a continuous cycle. One comes out with a bar, the others modify and critique it until they can make it their own. Someone’s got to break it, and we think we’ve found the way. Our candies show a revolutionary new way of looking at sweets. They also are all the rage in Europe and America. Many stores are already reeling in profit from our goods. We are satisfied that we have provided you with adequate reason to prove why you should choose our candy to put on your shelves. For one, are candies are the most unique in the business. The Un-Natural, our flagship candy, is a delectable combination of an apple slice with peanuts and creamy peanut butter at the area where the crisp white core was hollowed out, and a full coating of chocolate. Tooth Faeries, too, are primarily rosy apple. Even Munch Crunch is not your conventional candy, with pieces of wheat cereal, pretzels, and other snack items, enrobed in chocolate. The Spock is an alien to the candy industry as well, using a spoon as its main component.

Second, our delectable candies are infinitely popular amongst Europeans and their American counterparts. I’ve received far too many phone calls from Brits who want our unique selection for everything from birthdays to business meetings. The Scottish and Irish, following the lead of the English, have done this as well, and occasionally volunteer personalized kilts of specialty plaid of our choosing in return for a store in their vicinity. Americans demand our products just as much, and have quite a doozy getting hold of them. Often they do not survive the Tupperware gatherings necessary to acquire our tasty treats. If you accept our products into Piccadilly Circus, you will satisfy the demand and make the profit.

Not to mention, our products have been successful elsewhere for considerable periods of time. All over the United States, our brilliant line of candies has enjoyed success at Tupperware, Avon, and Mary-Kay gatherings. In the Czech Republic, our home country, our candies can be found in all 21-Koruna stores. Plus, two stores in Australia gain more than adequate profit each year from our superb wares. You, too, can join the ranks of stores all across the world enjoying the monetary gain provided from our products.

We hope you will consider including our phenomenal candies in your product lineup at Piccadilly Circus. Here at WagaWolfe Candies, we hold a strong, steadfast belief that our candies are the best Czech Republic and the world has to offer. You at Piccadilly Circus shall certainly benefit from carrying our products because they are nonconforming to the norm, they are in high demand in many areas of the world, and many other companies are already enjoying the success our candies have brought them. Don’t hesitate: add our goods to your inventory and reap the benefits.

Sincerely, Evelyn Wagaman and Hunter Wolfe, Owners of WagaWolfe Candies



//VOTE US FOR BEST JINGLE! //
